gerb was my high school physics teacher. (gerb is short for mr. gerber.) when we were learning about radiation and whatnot, and we touched on radiation poisoning, gerb decided to tell us a story.
when gerb was in high school, he worked in a supermarket. a cashier. there was this one little old lady, mrs. cassopolis, who was a regular. mrs. cassopolis firmly believed that the lasers used to scan her food items would give her radiation poisoning. they tried to explain that’s not a thing. but old cass wouldn’t hear a word of it.
the employees had to punch in every. last. grocery. item. MANUALLY.
and this woman would buy cartfulls of food every week, like any good grandma trying to feed her five children and eighteen grandchildren every time they come for a Sunday visit. so pretty soon, the employees figured out a strategy to get her on her way and get on with their lives.
one or more employees would distract old cass while the cashier would scan all the items he could as fast as humanly possible while she wasn’t paying attention.
now this supermarket had a rewards program for its most efficient workers. the computer would track how quickly the cashiers scanned items, and how many total they scanned in one day, that kind of thing. so one day, gerb’s boss came to him and said “uh,”
“you scanned three hundred items in six minutes last Tuesday during your shift” and gerb says “i recall” “that’s about four times faster than anything i’ve ever seen” and gerb says “yea ok” “jeremy what happened?”
and gerb says
“i had to save a little old woman from placebo radiation”
DONT ASK ME THIS, THIS IS HOW THE TROJAN WAR STARTED, I DONT WANT THIS MAN
Right away, Aphrodite popped into my head.
And then I’m just like, “DAMMIT, DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM PARIS? YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT, AND NOW ALL THE TROJANS ARE DEAD. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.”
If you are ever actually in this situation, pro-tip: name Persephone. Half the goddesses will be too surprised to smite you immediately and while Hades won’t do you any favors he may at least high-five you while your on your way down.
Another tip: name Mesperyian. Not only will you shock everyone, including her (since Aphrodite was a jealous ho who burnt half her face off), but you’ll win Hades’ favour. As his most beloved daughter, anything that praises her will make you a kind human to her, an okay human to him, and a genuinely good person to anyone else.
I heartily endorse this alternative answer.
I love how all of this advice leads to “please Hades at all costs.”
#because Hades really wasn’t that bad
No shit. The only real villain that caused so many problems was Zeus’ Thunder Cock and that thing has been in Olympus-knows-what.
ZUES’S THUNDER COCK
To be fair, Poseidon was like the greek mythology personification of the phrase ‘BITCH, FIGHT ME’
It’s like watching a car repeatedly drive straight into a wall. It’s unexplainable, it looks like it hurts a lot, but ultimately it ends up being darkly, ironically funny.
From my personal experience being an American on tumblr is like being the person in the BACK of the car praying that the person driving will STOP ramming into the wall.
A lot of us know this shit is stupid and we’re looking out the window like “LOOK THOSE OTHER CARS ARE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD LETS BE LIKE THEM”
But the driver is like “FUCK YOU! BUILT FORD TOUGH! USA USA USA DONT LIKE IT, GET OUT!” but the doors are locked and the car is now smoking and threatening to catch fire.
Reblogging for the followup comment! ‘cos that’s exactly what it’s like.
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